These blooms stop me in my tracks every time I see them and I can't help but take a dozen photos. I love them. Last year at this time, Dan and I took bump photos for T&T in front of this same bush! I was walking by it last week with Hazel and was a bit surprised to see them popping up again (how was that a year ago?) This time Hazel got to experience the beauty of them for the first time! Weird how that happens. So fast they grow. So much can change in a year.
I feel like this sunny Summer weather has me in a much better mood, I really can't stop talking about how amazing it is and it couldn't have come at a better time. About two weeks ago I was just having such an awful day. Maybe it was a series of awful days that sort of kept bottling up which led to a big sobbing explosion.
I went out on Saturday morning and everything seemed ok, it was the first warm day we had, I was pretty happy about that. I thought Hazel would fall asleep on the way home and she came so close, but no dice. It was the afternoon and she still hadn't napped, I was exhausted from a week of rough sleeps. (thanks to 3 new top teeth) I was holding her and pushing the stroller, and there are about 4 steps leading up to my apartment that I usually struggle to lift her up with, but today she was in my arms. I pulled the stroller up the stairs with my one arm and didn't lock it at the top. I opened the door and it nudged the stroller, and down, down, down it went. I screamed and watched it bounce and land face first on the cement, organic eggs cracked everywhere, aaaand so was my phone. Completely smashed.
Some nice man ran over and helped me gather my spilled groceries, diapers, etc and helped me carry the stroller up the steps. I get inside, and then the tears come. The image of the stroller falling down the stairs kept haunting me. Then I'm bawling, grief comes pouring in on top of the guilt I feel for letting the stroller fall. My God, what if she was in it?! I'm a terrible mother. I miss my mom, I wish I could call her, I wish I could call anyone, my phone is broken. The dangerous spiral of sleepless ugly thoughts keeps going until I'm a complete mess. I haven't cried like that in a while. It does feel good and familiar. I feel comforted by these mournful tears. They make me feel closer to mom, and closer to the grief I feel missing her. But the ugly thoughts I felt towards myself are not welcome. I felt overwhelmed by them. They really are ugly and took over for the better part of that day. Hazel never had a proper nap and it was a long hard day, but Sunday morning was a fresh start.
It's amazing what a good sleep and a supportive husband can do. Oh, and of course the sunshine. We've had more than enough sunny days since then, and a much happier baby now that those teeth are through. I know I'm enough for Hazel, I know I'm a good mother, and I'm trying my best to not take these precious days with just me and her for granted. man, she is just so much fun. I love watching her experience new things, learn new tricks, and watch her figure things out a bit more each day. It's the best